It's been fourteen years, but not a day goes by that I don't feel the guilt, the anguish, and the embarrassment of my past. I continually look over my shoulder to see if my past has left me --- but it hasn't, nor will it, ever! God can forgive, but society does not; as a result, I cannot forgive myself because I am not allowed to forget. As you read this book, please, take note of the temptations, the sins, and the human weaknesses. Many of us have succumbed to similar moral misjudgments and disregard for values, but then again, maybe not to the extent which I crossed the line. The two most vivid and effective analogies I can use to describe this period of my life are: close your eyes and imagine a snowball, tightly packed, cold, wet and heavy, rolling downward from high a top the tallest mountain. Slowly at first, but with one nudge after another, the snowball gets a little bigger and rolls a little farther. Soon, the snowball is rolling on its own, gathering speed as it proceeds down the mountainside, all the time getting bigger and bigger and bigger and moving faster and faster. As the snowball increases in size and speed, it dislodges more snowpack from the mountainside and is now three times its original size. Less than one-quarter way down the side of the mountain, a small, harmless snowball has turned into an uncontrollable avalanche, destroying everything in its path without regard to those affected by the destruction. Now, close your eyes and imagine a totally blue sky, not a cloud can be detected for miles. A seemingly endless valley of rolling hills covered with lush green grass, wild flowers of every kind, and trees with too many shades of green to count. In the center of the valley is a lake. The lake is clear and shimmers in sunlight, so bright you have to shield your eyes to see the deep, dark blue color of the water. This gift was created by the hand of God. Only He could be so detailed, ornate, and complex, yet so loving and caring. God's peace, calmness, and serenity surround the lake. Are you there in your mind yet? Bend over and pick up a round stone, about the size of a baseball. Throw the stone high into the air, out over the water. Watch closely as it descends and splashes into the water. See the ripple? See the waves that permeate from the center of the splash in all directions? Watch, as the resulting waves seem to keep going and going until finally the waves, once again, smooth out as they approach the shoreline. Etch these analogies into your mind as you read this book. I assure you, all will become clear. These analogies can apply to much of our lives, including the many complications, trials, and tribulations we experience. I truly hope and pray that you learn from my mistakes. This book is based on a real-life event. The conversations, meeting dates, and specifics are only memories and are not literal in every context. The following pages are my perceptions, thoughts, and memories only, however flawed they may be. I have changed the names of those persons who were a part of my life during this snapshot in my life, except for immediate family members. I want to protect them from any further embarrassment and humiliation. To those I disappointed, embarrassed, humiliated, angered, and hurt, I truly apologize. I can only ask your forgiveness!
Rev. Dan Grauer, Pastor at Epworth United Methodist Church and Hazel Dell United Methodist Church, went to prison for the poor decision-making from his past. He has presented keynote speeches, workshops, and seminars to high schools, colleges, church organizations, and community organizations regarding "white-collar" crime and money addiction. Dan's goal is to keep others from making similar poor life choices and to know the positive difference God can make in their lives. Dan lives in Council Bluffs, Iowa, with his wife and two dogs. This is his first novel.
